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So guys...this is my first formal blog of sorts where I've gathered the courage to share with you something more than just a piece of news...where I'm daring to share a piece of me! Ya...It's not been an easy decision for an extreme introvert like me, lemme tell you, 'coz all my life I've believed in talking only when ... "you're asked to talk"! So what makes me talk now? Well...to begin with...there's sooooooooo much inside of me by now that if I don't get it out, I'd EXPLODE (LOL)!! And two....I’ve come to understand that all these emotions, opinions, thoughts, experiences, discoveries...are absolutely useless...if I don't share them with you (who knows you might need them more than me)! This understanding... is what has led me to re-explore myself, re-explore professions, re-explore ways of life, and re-explore ways of expressing myself.
So let's get started!
Let me give you a little background to this blog. You'd be surprised to know that in all of my professional life, which has been close to 20 years now, I've been tagged as a 'perfectionist' by all....colleagues, bosses, clients, students...all! And 'perfectionist' is how I saw myself too. A self-confessed 'perfection maniac'. I’d push my limits and the limits of those in it with me,,,to get to a result that was ‘as perfect as possible’(to me, that sounded like ‘as beautiful as possible’ till about 2 years ago)…both as a television director, and later as a music coach (my earlier professions)! The results were beautiful, ‘awe’worthy, mesmerizing many times (though never ‘perfect’ according to me). The performance would be over in max 5 minutes….those ‘flawlessly beautiful’ 5 minutes…leaving all participants with a sense of fulfillment….at least for a little while! And so it continued project after project….with my impatience and intolerance towards imperfection growing day after day. There was no mercy for anything less than perfect. There was no scope of any mistake. And….there was no space left for any human bonds that cultivate over the loose ends of little imperfections. Before I even realized, from a teacher students enjoyed to be with, I’d become a machine that meant business, only business….and my business was ‘perfection’. If I received any love on the way, I didn’t stay still to revel in it for long. ‘Coz my race to the next level had already begun in my mind! Little did I realize that this ‘burnout’ of human emotions was mutual….in both, the trainer and the trained. We all got the fulfillment of delivering something beautiful and flawless (may times, without any happy emotions), yet we all got beaten by the pressure of ‘discontentment of the present’ ‘coz we were constantly striving to make it ‘better’.
Thinking in retrospect, I believe I respected myself enough for the wonderful work….but where was self love? The same feelings rippled out of me and reached those who learnt from me. Did they learn to love themselves enough…or to just mean business? I dread the answer.
After the burnout, and in the much needed ‘break’ that I took thereafter, I realized, slowly but with a lasting impact, that all the stress and lack of fulfillment that I had felt before came more from within and less from around (as I had earlier thought). I had always been at a constant war with my ‘present’, always striving for a better ‘future’. And while I still try to make things as beautiful as I can, I have also learnt to embrace the uncontrolled factors that lead to imperfections…while I still get motivated by a ‘perfect’ experience…be it in nature or an art, I have also learnt to acknowledge the ecstasy that comes from the beauty of ‘that yellow leaf on a lush green tree’. I have learnt that there isn’t just ‘one perfect way’. There are a zillion. And I can’t shortchange one perfect in my search of another. Life is beautiful, not with, but inspite of it’s imperfections. So strive for ‘yet another way’, ‘a better way’, if you have to, but don’t forget to feel every drop of this rain on your skin while it lasts.
Enjoy the perfection of the little imperfections of life….the fallen flower, the crooked stone by the riverside, the sullen looking cat at your door, your clumsy little child :)….and even the beautiful and ‘perfectly imperfect’ you!
Love. Peace.